Single White Female

September 15, 2009

Single White Female

A friend of mine asked me to post this for her.

She is a SWF in search of SM for a mutually beneficial relationship.

Here are a list of her minimum requirements:

Male
No living relatives
Tall—over 6’2” [height requirement will decrease by 1” every two years]
Well read but prefers small words
Humanitarian
Well-respected by all
Ethical unless driven to be otherwise & can speak of it poetically
Heroic
Loyal
Intelligent
An accent would be nice; no New Yorkers. Brogue is desirable.
Sophisticated sense of humor particularly where oneself is concerned
Saves lives of people & animals when the opportunity presents itself
Does not eat things that I would not want to touch with my hands
Good teeth
Less spiteful than myself
Must love dogs
Occupation—variable. But not opposed to making a living.
Neat but not persnickety
Man’s Man
Reads every book as I finish it and then wants to discuss it with me
Romantic but not cloying. No holding hands until they sweat.
Must write heart stopping love letters
Must be able to give the perfect present & gain satisfaction from giving flowers
Likes or tolerates Prince, Neil Young, Dwight Yoakum, Al Green, Ray Charles, Merle Haggard. Listening to classical music-OK-but not while wearing a turtleneck
Puts toilet seat down without having a philosophical discussion about it
Good problem solver
Must think I am the best thing that could ever happen to anyone & that I have no traits that need changing
Believes that devotion will make one feel more complete
Must be interested in my friends and charming in social settings without expecting me to reciprocate.
Extremely capable of & entertained by giving me pleasure
Can handle and will handle most any household emergency
Adequate knowledge of the way things work & able to fix most contraptions: Cars, lawnmowers, toasters, heat, ac, electric, plumbing, dvd/video hookup.
Enjoys dry-walling, painting, roof repair, floor stripping, gutter cleaning, mowing, dish washing, laundry
Doesn’t look like a freak in hardware stores.
Not adverse to household cleanliness
Must not be willing to or capable of inflicting heartbreak
Must understand what to do with a dirty pair of socks
Appreciates a good home cooked meal but does not require it for happiness
Loves to cook for me
Appalled by domestic violence
Must smell good
Minimal yelling
Has never considered hair plugs or a comb-over or any other type of fake hair
No Rockports; no Dockers
No patchouli
No talking with toothpaste in the mouth
Has a penchant for cashmere
Must find all my moods charming
Loves it when I go shopping and can’t wait for me to come home so we can celebrate the arrival of my new purchases together
Must like movies
Physically fit without owning spandex
No exercise equipment in the living room or bedroom
Enjoys travel but prefers nice hotels to camping
Minimal body noises
No magazines in bathroom
Prefer atheist who doesn’t want to talk about it
No turtlenecks
Enjoys being coached in matters of fashion
A truck would be nice.
No football or wrestling on TV
No marching band music
Must not assume that a closed bathroom door is a door waiting to be opened.
Works to perpetuate the fantasy that neither of us ever goes into the bathroom for any reason other than to have a shower or become even more attractive
Recognized my infallible good taste and appreciates my home decorating
No waking up to an alarm clock or talk radio
No type A or type C personalities
Nothing overly jovial before 10 am
No ambiguous sexuality
Cuteness not necessary
No mullet
No visible nose or ear hair
No excessive puns
Not judgmental
No lying but no unpleasant truths
No discussions of old girlfriends or old wives
Not too ambitious but sufficiently self-reliant
No excessive grooming—fewer grooming products than I have
No big gut
No foot odor
No scratching below the belt.
No alcoholic or drug addict
No know-it-alls even if you know it all

If you know of anyone who meets these minimum requirements for a long lasting relationship, please send a 3 minute video (compact format) to John Britt and he will present them the SWF for her approval.